For everything i'm not, you are.

Sunday, January 1, 2012

It's a new year now - 2012. Yet I feel that the whole world is leaving me behind, further and further behind. Honestly all these years that have passed- now being 21 soon- it still felt as though I was just 14. I have not grown up and every year st would tell me to grow up. Even till now I never felt my rebellious actions, those crazy insane things that I did back then when I was 14,15 I never felt it was wrong ever. People judge me, disgusted by my insanity but I never regretted anything I ever did. I wish I could grow up- but I can't, sadly.

~1:55 PM

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Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Feeling kinda tired today. Dont know why but it seems so stressful and hectic these few days. Exams are like coming in two wks time and im still not here nor there yet! Trying hard to make myself study next week. Got the feeling of closing down fb... its so boring and sickening. sometimes i just really hate the crowd and just want to be alone. Just u, me and april (: life looks so much simpler and relaxing that way... The more friends i have the more stress i feel :/ weird chemical reaction in my body.. :/ oh well.. After this owk project done then dont have to think about things so much anymore! (: ps. Having like MAJOR fun with my new amps :p drowning myself in jared leto's voice and electric guitar distortion sounds.... Never had the best of music before (:

CHEERIOS LOVE YOU (:

~7:23 PM

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Sunday, February 13, 2011

WHEEEEEE~~~~~
new amps today :D Went to kl house for cny party and all me st and john did was cramp at the table of food and ate ALOT while the others were busy playing... ohwell must've gained some weight again but i couldnt care less anymore... Used to be very weight concious but ever since being with teddy, we just had LOADS of fun chewing on chocolate bars and savouring many diff flavours of ice cream... X) yummy!! never had so much fun eating food for the first time in my life... and after being at kl house we went to bras basah complex to test out the amps.. man my electric is so SO freaking heavy!!!! and tried out the Marshall amps.. wanted a small one to hide in my house so that my mom wont know! If she knew she'd complain like helll... but i've already cleared 2 guitars outta house ): only have 3 in my room now.. ): and she's still complaining BLAH BLAH BLAH.... how annoying..

Decided Marshall amps arent that good unless getting the big concert kind which is freaking FANTASTIC!!! i got so hooked on the amps that i jus refuse to leave the shop! lol..

ohwell in the end bought a nux amps.. it was kinda cool with alot of different effects and sounds better than the Marshall small amps. Hiding my amps in my clothes pile in closet!!! i guess she wont ransack that place... Cross my fingers and hope not!

LOVE 30 SECONDS TO MARS!!! amazing band with amazing album even though they are main stream now.. lots of band go mainstream and lose their band identity ): speaking of which like avril lavigne, my chemical romance, good charlotte..... I used to love Avril with the album Under My Skin and Let Go, and MCR's Black Parade.. But ever since they got famous they just made music according to what society loves, and i think it sucked. All high on drugs and Keisha-ish which is freaking terrible!!! sigh..

WISH ALL OF THEM CAN JUST MAKE DARK MUSIC AGAIN cos its just in their blood to be whom they used to be with their emo-ness which fucking rocked!!! :D

HEARTS TO JARED LETO <3

~12:14 AM

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Monday, December 6, 2010

Just a thought... Contentment is fundamental to happiness, but don't use it as an excuse for mediocrity. Only when i'm contented with the life i've had, i guess happiness will never be mine. After all, humans are all selfish in a sense of their own way. It's an undeniable trait of our kind.

~1:02 PM

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Sunday, October 24, 2010

A few days of argument and its over. Feel like a long battle where i've been losing all this while. It took me very long but i've given up on fighting this battle. I can hardly cope by myself now and all i can look forward to everyday is for st to come back to give me strength and support me. Everyone asked if im ok im not. But i smiled and told them yes i am. Trying hard to cover it off; cover the pain that is searing in my heart. Hope school will keep me busy. I know he won't ever look back again. I know i will and i can only live in my memories of him. Tears are forming in my eyes but i try to make them go away. Not a single drop of tear. Don't know what to tell my parents. I should just continue to pretend and every now and then they mention him it hurts but a smile will still appear on my face. Living on each day with decreasing strength to support me.

~12:10 PM

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Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Today had physics lecture and i thought of alot of things. My friend said she was still friends with her ex, and i asked her wont it bring back all the memories they used to share and her answer was no. She explained that all of those memories were in a compartment stored inside and once its over it would be thrown away cos there's no point anymore. Here i am being so amazed by how she did it. 5 years and it's there. And she said just throw it away - or is it that i cant. I was stunned for a moment, and perhaps what she said was true. That i cant and i wont throw it away. That was the time when i felt so much, everything around me is happening so fast where i learned all by myself. i didn't want it to go away. And i know that its already over it wont comeback. I believe that it wont but i just cant let go of that feeling of growing up; of those hard times where i struggle over my feelings. And sometimes i wished i was back there though it was hard to live everyday but at least the feeling is there. And its true of what he said that no matter how many bf i had it wouldn't be the same anymore. And for this i hate my brain.

~1:26 PM

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Monday, October 18, 2010

It has been very long since i posted things which i felt in the day in my blog. Today on the train to school there was a mentally handicapped woman seated right next to me. As i looked at her for a moment i thought of how her life might just be so much better than mine in some sense. Perhaps she's just living in her own world without knowing how fuck up the world is right now. More of a blessing than a curse i guess. And it all led to me thinking of the question:"so what if i have studied so much, been through the education system?" Just for money and pleasure for oneself is all i could come up with. And what's the whole point? After paying such a hefty price just to get all those; being mentally handicapped might just be a better thing. Defining your own world without having to live in fear and reprisal every single moment. All we ever do is step on each other; kill one another just to fight for glory and survival. Is this what we're suppose to achieve in the end i wonder. Because there's no escape anymore. This is the road i have to go through; yet i do not understand....

~7:38 PM

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