Sunday, October 24, 2010
A few days of argument and its over. Feel like a long battle where i've been losing all this while. It took me very long but i've given up on fighting this battle. I can hardly cope by myself now and all i can look forward to everyday is for st to come back to give me strength and support me. Everyone asked if im ok im not. But i smiled and told them yes i am. Trying hard to cover it off; cover the pain that is searing in my heart. Hope school will keep me busy. I know he won't ever look back again. I know i will and i can only live in my memories of him. Tears are forming in my eyes but i try to make them go away. Not a single drop of tear. Don't know what to tell my parents. I should just continue to pretend and every now and then they mention him it hurts but a smile will still appear on my face. Living on each day with decreasing strength to support me.
~12:10 PM
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Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Today had physics lecture and i thought of alot of things. My friend said she was still friends with her ex, and i asked her wont it bring back all the memories they used to share and her answer was no. She explained that all of those memories were in a compartment stored inside and once its over it would be thrown away cos there's no point anymore. Here i am being so amazed by how she did it. 5 years and it's there. And she said just throw it away - or is it that i cant. I was stunned for a moment, and perhaps what she said was true. That i cant and i wont throw it away. That was the time when i felt so much, everything around me is happening so fast where i learned all by myself. i didn't want it to go away. And i know that its already over it wont comeback. I believe that it wont but i just cant let go of that feeling of growing up; of those hard times where i struggle over my feelings. And sometimes i wished i was back there though it was hard to live everyday but at least the feeling is there. And its true of what he said that no matter how many bf i had it wouldn't be the same anymore. And for this i hate my brain.
~1:26 PM
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Monday, October 18, 2010
It has been very long since i posted things which i felt in the day in my blog. Today on the train to school there was a mentally handicapped woman seated right next to me. As i looked at her for a moment i thought of how her life might just be so much better than mine in some sense. Perhaps she's just living in her own world without knowing how fuck up the world is right now. More of a blessing than a curse i guess. And it all led to me thinking of the question:"so what if i have studied so much, been through the education system?" Just for money and pleasure for oneself is all i could come up with. And what's the whole point? After paying such a hefty price just to get all those; being mentally handicapped might just be a better thing. Defining your own world without having to live in fear and reprisal every single moment. All we ever do is step on each other; kill one another just to fight for glory and survival. Is this what we're suppose to achieve in the end i wonder. Because there's no escape anymore. This is the road i have to go through; yet i do not understand....
~7:38 PM
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HUIYI♥
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NUS ENGR :D
every tear.every night.for you it's worthwhile.
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